Sex During Quarantine 1/4: Sheltered Desire
This is #1 of 4 blog posts in the Sex During Quarantine series.
How Should I Approach Sex During Quarantine?
There are many ways of approaching sex during quarantine.
Some people find this the perfect time to connect sexually. With what may feel like an ambiguous and endless stretch of time, this is a great opportunity to devote space for your sexual needs along with your partner’s needs. The cocktail of hormones released during sex and orgasm, including oxytocin and endorphins, produces a relaxing effect. Sex can be a huge stress reliever during these uncertain times.
For others, the anxiety and stress of quarantine, potential loss of employment, lack of control, increased responsibility for childcare, etc., can inhibit the body’s response to opening up sexually. This can cause you to feel closed off, protective, and not safe to experience ease and relaxation, both of which are needed for the nervous system to have satisfying sex.
Anxiety and stress absolutely impact your sexual functioning. Our bodies respond in ways to protect us. If your body is saying, “No, not the time, too anxious!” That’s your body giving you good information. During this pandemic, your body may be more focused on keeping you alive (that’s fight, flight or freeze) rather than working on getting you aroused. Use the information your body is providing. If stress and anxiety are taking over, utilize ways to reduce stress, then try focusing on something pleasurable. Both responses are completely normal. Be aware of your body’s responses. There is nothing wrong with wanting sex like crazy right now, and you are not broken if you want to pump the brakes.
What if I lose desire? How do I keep it hot with my partner in these close quarters?
One of the major tensions in modern love relationships is the desire for stability and security versus our desire for adventure and freedom. One requires togetherness, the other separateness. This pandemic has created a lot of togetherness. The need for distance is important. Anything that creates differentiation, difference, and separateness is good for couples right now. This will help your sex life. Structure your day with time for yourself, in a separate space if possible. Get outside. Go for a walk where allowed, using the proper precautions. The largest sex organ is the brain. Shift your perspective from, “This is my partner I know everything about,” to “Who is this hot, sexy co-worker I can have a quickie with?!”
If you or your partner are part of the many who are not falling into the ease and relaxation required for enjoyable sex at this time, that’s OK! Instead of thinking, “Do I want to have sex right now?”, ask yourself, “Am I willing to get in the mood right now?” Create a window of willingness with your partner. Am I willing to hold hands, kiss for 6 seconds, cuddle on the couch, or hug? This is a perfect opportunity to practice pleasurable, non-demand ways of touching. Sex isn’t simply defined by intercourse. Expand your definition of sex and see where it takes you.